During my freshman/sophomore year of college, I gained weight. My boyfriend at the time was happy about this, because in high school, I was really skinny. It wasn’t like I was unhealthy skinny, but more like I was pretty much flat chested. (I should have taken as the first sign that he was no good.) It wasn’t like I gained a lot of weight, but everyone was telling me that I gained weight. So, it was noticeable. Even though, a lot of people who knew me before said that I looked good with my gained weight, because I actually had some curves so I looked healthier, I started to dislike my body more and more.
What girl these days doesn’t have a problem with their body image? I started to feel really self-conscious. I tried to watch my eating habits. I skipped meals regularly. I went for runs late at night, even when there was snow on the ground.
It didn’t help that I was constantly being reminded about my body. Some of my clothes didn’t fit me anymore. People kept talking to me about my body weight. My mother in particular, being a mother, would point out something like, “Your tummy is getting too round, loose weight, people might start to think your pregnant” or “Your legs are getting a little chubby, aren’t they?”
Anyway, after I stopped eating at the dining hall and started cooking my own meals, I began to lose weight.
I’m sure it’s because the dining hall’s food was really buttery and fat, and I was stressed, and that is just bound to equal weight gain.
When I started cooking dinner for myself, at first I didn’t really know what to cook for 1 person. I’d cook a week’s worth of food. I still do that to this day. Awesome.
Then I’d get sick of eating what I cooked, and basically thought, “I don’t want to eat that again. Let’s just skip the meal.” My habits of skipping meals stayed with me.
I also didn’t have a lot of money, so I couldn’t eat out or order in every night. So, because of this behavior I lost weight. I began to think when my stomach grumbled and I didn’t cave in, then I would be happy. It was a victory. I was consuming less food.
My old clothes fit me again, and you could tell I lost weight. Nobody said anything this time. Even my mother stopped making comments. I began to think that maybe I wasn’t losing weight, and maybe my old clothes were just stretching out. I continued to skip meals, and would just drink water or shakes when I felt I’d eaten too much. I wasn’t losing anymore weight, but I also wasn’t getting the nutrients I needed.
I’m not really sure what happened, but one day I just fell down. I was getting more and more tired everyday and just fell. For some reason, I realized I was hungry. Lately, I haven’t been skipping meals much anymore and eating 3 meals a day. My mother said to me lately, “It’s good your bone density is higher. My bones are so weak.”
Did I have an eating disorder? I don’t know, but I realized that thinking about your weight all the time is a bit stupid. Some times you just have to eat, and enjoy every meal. Just make sure to eat right and exercise and everything should be balanced.
You really have to just start to like yourself, or things won’t get better. It was really difficult with people mentioning my weight or my body. Even now, when someone makes comments about my body, whether it’s good or bad, I start to feel really self-conscious. I still skip a meal when people mention stuff about my body. I can’t help it, but I’m trying really hard to just like myself. It’s really difficult to like yourself, but I’m fighting everyday to live the best I can, and I’m not going to give up.